Caregiver Needs: Sometimes the one who isn't sick needs our care too.

Who takes care of the Caregiver?
My Mom who has been the 24/7 caregiver for my Dad over the last 6 years has found NOT caring for him quite difficult. Let me begin at the beginning.

Medical Power of Attorney
When we filled out the papers for Medical Power of Attorney (MPA) for my dad, we thought we were just covering our bases, just in case Mom wasn't able to make decisions. What we found when my dad was admitted to the hospital this last time, was that because he was no longer competent, the MPA was enacted automatically. We made sure this document was in my father's medical records and when 3 doctors determined he could not understand what he was being told they documented their findings and I became the MPA. At first this offended my mother greatly. Then we sat down and talked about it and because she is hard of hearing she agreed that she didn't always understand what the doctor's were saying.

Interesting result of this happening was that after about two days, my mom started to be less stressed. Her focus turned to taking treats to the hospital and making sure dad was comfortable. She totally turned all medical concerns over to me and I think secretly she was greatly relieved. I think when they told her he could die during surgery, and we had to decide whether he should have the surgery or live with a broken hip, it became too much for her. Knowing what you decide can end someone you loves life is a huge burden. I'm only glad I'm able to relieve her of that burden. I thank God for the support and love of all my family which makes my shoulder broad enough and strong enough to manage it.

Nursing Home Paradox
What surprised me the most about placing Dad in the nursing home wasn't how he adjusted, but rather, how Mom adjusted? She went to the nursing home daily. Most trips were justified by bringing back his laundry to wash. But the truth was she didn't know what to do without him home to care for, so she just cared for him long-distance. When I spoke to her about going less frequently she started to cry. She admitted she didn't know what to do without him there to care for each day. Her days were built around his routine of getting up, taking medications, fixing him meals, ect. Not only was Dad transitioning to a new way of life so was Mom.

Backlash
I'd like to say that all the doting Mom did and the time she spent at the nursing home was a great help to my Dad's adjustment. Unfortunately, it had just the opposite effect. The more she visited, the less he adapted and the more she did, the more he demanded. He resisted participating in any activities or making any friends. He was always waiting for her to arrive. He demanded to go home, refused to do his therapy, and complained A LOT.

Please, understand, my Dad is usually a great patient, polite and grateful for everything the nursing staff does. The nurses and I had a little talk and then I had a little (or should I say several) talks with my Mom. It took her about two weeks to cut her visits down to every-other-day. But now she has a routine and so does Dad.

Bonus
The bonus...Mom found out she isn't as tired. She has started cooking, anyone want some soup, 'cause I'm getting souped up! She has taken the time to make appointments with her doctor for a check-up and to get her eyes examined. She is taking time to take care of herself.
Dad on the other hand has friends at the nursing home, proudly bragged about how good he is doing in therapy and just won a prize playing BINGO!